The pain still threatens to overwhelm. Over and over, each day a variation of the previous one. I walk into our closed bedroom with futile hope that she will be there, having decided to go to bed before us, as she often did. But she is as absent and present as always. Present in the swelling of my heart and the subsequent tears I either swallow back or let seep. Absent from my arms, my sight, my life now.
Do people imagine that Luna has buried her as we buried her? Do they think I have moved past the loss and the pain because I have someone to hold and nurture? Did anyone really believe it would be so simple and quick? Some seem surprised, or maybe caught off guard, unsure of what to say and wishing I wouldn't tell them, that I still have days of pain, uninterrupted aching in my whole body. That I still sob at night whether at bedtime or waking at 3:00 a.m. lonely with my sorrow and grief. Is it possible they thought it would only take another dog to erase the amazing person who was here only the other day? (it seems!) I can nurture and love Luna, but she cannot give me what Tansy gave me; she can't give me the joy of making Tansy happy.