Thursday, August 20, 2009

Rainy Day Tides and Ramblings

It's raining this morning. A steady, heavy, stay-inside sort of rain. As if I wasn't unmotivated enough. In the ebb and flow, up and down of my time, this is a low and an ebb. I dislike these times, though perhaps I should learn to embrace them along with the ups and the flows.

I try to analyze the sources of my discontent. So many things from which to choose, yet a week or two ago, there were as many joys and delights as there are now frets and anxieties. What were they? The sun was out. My husband still had summer left to spend with me. No family tensions had made an appearance, and I was able to put my issues with our neighbor in their proper place, which is to say, not giving him or his ego the time of day, spending no power, time, or gifts on him.

This week I am both overwhelmed and undermotivated. Bad combination. I need to run and no one will make me. My classroom needs work and I have a new curriculum to learn, but I would rather read my book and drink tea. Friends are coming to camp tomorrow and I have made no preparations whatsoever for this event.

Tansy has been throwing up every other day or so, repeatedly. Our new fridge is making sounds like a dying cow. We have to hire a lawyer to deal with our unreasonable and freakishly property-obsessed neighbor. Our house is filthy and full of pet hair in all of the corners. Laundry needs doing, though I would just as soon wear the same thing every day, my recently tie-dyed pants and my Brian Vander Ark t-shirt. Certain friends lives seem to be changing, or they are changing, or maybe I am changing... these shifts always frighten me. We owe an outrageous sum of money due to a 2 year accident on our tax forms. There is a pair of $300 boots that want me to take them home this fall...

So make an effort! Look on the bright side! Think positively! Count your blessings! ... right. So, the bright side is... these conditions are not permanent. And thinking positively and counting my blessings? At least I have a new fridge when my other broke. I have friends who want to come hang out and camp with me. I have a wonderful, albeit filthy, home. The pet hair is a price I pay for the priceless love of my furry friends. My clothes that need washing are cute and plentiful. We may owe money, but we have jobs. My neighbor provides me with constant testing of my patience and my ability to find serenity despite conflict. I CAN run, though I don't feel like it. My legs operate well. My new classroom and curriculum means that I was able to remove myself from an untenable situation. And at least I have a husband worth missing when he's gone.

It's still raining.


  1. Yesterday has slipped away and the recent memories are now dampened by today's cool rain, but I am so happy to have you - up or down, ebb or flow, a sun drenched beauty or a sodden princess. Yesterday you gave me a simple, yet expressively thoughtful care package and I nearly wept after reading the card. And now today I read your blog (though I should be doing school prep) and, once again, you demonstrate an ability to stretch my emotions from a “grinning ghost” to a moment that inspires a tear of extreme happiness. I was reading all the things that you are thankful for or make you happy and I started thinking, “Hey, what about me damn it? Not even parallel with a frickin pair of boots”, and then I read the last line and it happens again. I am thankful for your intelligence, gumption, ability to write, laugh, cry, express your emotions clearly, your beauty and the amazing way your eyes tell me how much you love me when you smile at me.
    It’s raining here now. Memories will fade in the sun or wash away in the rain, but I will love you where ever you are - up or down, wearing a $300.00 pair of boots or not. :-}

  2. So does that mean I can buy the boots???

  3. First - I think you should have bought the boots - now that you asked, you may have blown the magic the moment was holding for you!! Secondly - I was SO proud of you!! You have contagious ups and I feel the pain of your downs (the ones you let me in on), so I know those aren't easy for you to brush aside - but you were really tuning in to the bright side and not getting "beaten"! The only thing that confused me is that you have such a fond love for plants and nature - I would have thought "it's still raining" would have been on your celebration list!! I, like all of your friends I'm sure, agree whole-heartedly with Doug's appreciation for you! (in all the parts that we can share with him on!) Put your 80's ears on...sing with me..."I....I...Love to feel the rain in the to feel the rain on my face...."